Befriending My Ego

“The Ego is your friend Stephanie, You have it for a reason.” It was the kind of statement that looks you dead in the eyes and you know it is truth, but you have no idea what it means. “I think if you meditate on it you will come to your own conclusions about this” was @motherbecoming brilliant answer when I summed up the courage to ask what she meant.

I have spent the last 15 years blaming my ego for all the untruth in my life, all the suffering. For not allowing me to see, or understand. My Ego was the enemy not my friend. I am constantly trying to outsmart it, wrestling with it, see it before it gets me. But this, these words she uttered, were about to rock my world. Right away I could see the benefits of my ego over the years. There were times in my life I needed protection, I need to not see the truth, it was a matter of survival. But over time she (my ego), at just the right time, would let in a crack of light and if I worked really hard at it I could free her and my truth would shine through. It was like exercising a muscle. The truth was weak and needed to be built up little by little. It couldn’t happen all at once, that would have been overwhelming. I would not have had the life experience i needed to survive. I needed to be shown one step at a time. My Ego did that for me.

Recently my husband had to travel to Wales for an extended amount of time. I found myself solo parenting, during pandemic no less. I had been in survival mode instead of thriving for weeks. “Just get through one more week, hang tight.” One of these surviving days while driving through the ATM I was given a vision of my husbands flight home crashing. He wasn't coming home from Wales. I immediately went into flight or fight mode, I could feel the shift in my body. “Why are you going in to catastrophe mode?! Snap out of it!” I soothed myself with “you are safe, feel safe. This is not truth. This is your ego sabotaging you. You said it out loud that you feel better than you have in your whole life, happier more fulfilled. Your Ego is testing you”… Then the penny dropped…My ego. My friend the ego. Suddenly I felt a release, a softening. This isn’t a trap. The visions energetically shifted from terror to love, like a warm hug. It became a gentle reminder, that I was out of alignment to my own truth. My truth that no matter what happens in my life, if it seems to be or not, it is all for the greater good. It is all working out exactly as it should be. Stop living like you are just getting through. Live your life, you are safe. You are well taken care of no matter what happens. Enjoy your life, here now. Stop living for when he returns, for when you feel safe. Choose joy now. No matter what happens you are going to be ok. I wept weeks later when my husbands trip home was delayed by more than a week. I wept because I have never in my life felt so taken care of, so held in love.

The beginning of my life was a series of traumatic events. At one time the fear of what was coming next ruled my life. I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Hanging on tight for the next wave, survival mode. I wouldn’t change any of it. I would not leave one single trauma out should I do this life all over again. Each one has brought me here today with all the understanding, wisdom, compassion, love, strength I embody. My knowing, my truth. This is my truth; My ego is my friend. I am so grateful for her protection, for her reminders for the way she has gently unraveled truth for me, for the way she protects me and nudges me back into alignment. For her love.